The "Paying Money to Read a Column by Maureen Dowd is Like..." Contest.

OK, gentle readers, here's a contest for you: complete the following sentence:

"Paying money to read a column by Maureen Dowd is like ___"

For example: "Paying money to read a column by Maureen Dowd is like writing a check to your proctologist."

Submit your entries to the comments of this thread by 12:00am 21 September. The winner for the best comparative phrase will receive some TBD Dead Drifts swag. Good Luck!