Friday, September 19, 2008

It's A (30-1) Leveraged Life!

(Investment banker George Failey and his new bride Mary race back to his Fleecem Bros. office. There a frightened, angry mob has swarmed around his receptionist's desk. George smiles wanly at many of his friends in the mob.)

George: Hi Bob, Carrie, Ed...

Mob: We want to redeem our shares in the Ultra Plunge Mortgage Securities Fund!!

George: well, OK (looking at Ed), here's a form Ed. You fill that out and you'll get your redemption package in a month. You submit the package to the Fleecem Corporate Headquarters and they'll send a check after a review of your account and prorating the balance for current NAV and redemption administrative costs.

Ed: how long will that take??

George: About ninety days.

Ed: Ninety days?? I want my $100,000 now!

George: but Ed, when you signed the fund application after the reading the prospectus which said it may take from 90 to 12o days for redemptions...

Ed: I want my $100,000!

George: Ed, it doesn't work that way. Look, see Ernie over there? (points to a disheveled bearded man, who quickly dashes out the door) Well, part of your money is in Ernie's house!

Ed: What?? You gave that bum a mortgage?? He hasn't worked in two years! And that deadbeat owes me fifty bucks!

George: well, anyway...and look there's Carrie! Part of your money is in Carrie's Home Equity Loan! And she put that money right to work!

Carrie: Bought a really sick boat with it! Bastard Repo Man took it away last month...

Ed: Well, George, they can just pay you back and then you can pay me!

George: But Ed! You see that guy over there? (points to another bearded bum)

Ed: yeah?

George: We sold Ernie's and Carrie's loans to him. Twenty times. And he sold them to some British banker. Who sold them to a Russian guy. Who's in Argentina.

(Ed looks stupified)

George: but see what's happening here? We're panicking, and selling. But on the other side of town, the Chinese Government is buying!

(a hysterical man dashes into the office)

Man: Hey! The Chinese Government is giving me two cents on the dollar for my Fund shares! Come on! Let's go cash in! (the crowd moves toward the door, but George blocks their path)

Ed: well, Failey...

George: You might be able to catch Ernie and get your fifty bucks. Can you also fill out the customer survey form on our website? It'll help with my bonus.

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